Three Old Ladies

Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home reminiscing. The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny. The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece.

The third old lady remarked, "I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about."

Heaven's Gate

Two men were waiting for the heaven's gate to open. "How did you die?" one man asked the other. "From Freezing," the other man answered.

"How did it feel?" the first man wanted to know, "At first it was quite bad; I felt my whole body go numb and crack but soon it kind of wear off. Then I felt a sensation of peacefulness and the whole thing became an almost enjoyable experience. Anyway, come to think of it, how did you die?"

"From a heart attack. I suspected that my wife was cheating on me. Hoping to catch that sneaky man, I came home early one day unannounced and rushed into the bedroom, taking three and four steps at a time. I couldn't find him, so I ran down the stairs straight into the basement. I couldn't find him there either. Then I rushed up the stairs again to the attic. My weak heart couldn't take all these and I collapsed."

The other man then said, "If you had stopped to look in the freezer, we'd still be alive."

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The Wealthy Aristocrat

A wealthy aristocrat was hosting a party at his estate, which had been in his family for generations. He noticed that one of his guests bore a striking resemblance to himself. He could not believe that such a similarity could exist with no genetic link, so guessing that his father had sown some wild oats, he approached the guest and asked with a smirk, "Was your mother ever a maid here?"

The guest replied, "No, but my father used to be the gardener."